Our Story of Pregnancy Loss & Recurrent Miscarriage: Grieving the Babies We Never Met
In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (Oct 15), we decided to tear down our walls and share our raw, messy, and unfiltered journey through pregnancy loss as we know there is purpose in pain and hoping that our story can be part of someone else’s survival guide or healing journey too.
Most people wait to share the hard until they are on the other side, but we decided to be an open book as we navigate the messy middle of our story, with all of the uncertainty, grief, and unknowns that come with it.
At first I debated posting anything about this because
1.) It’s hard. One of the toughest things we’ve been through. And being vulnerable sucks, but there also is beauty and genuine connection in it, and through it grows strength, courage, and resilience.
2.) I’m not asking for sympathy and don’t want it to be construed as that. We’ve had loved ones and our community walk alongside of us during the toughest parts, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
But on the flip side,
1.) You never know who you can help who is silently suffering and needs some encouragement or just a “I’ve been there. I see you. Your pain is valid. But, you are tough, and you will get through this.”
2.) Writing is therapeutic and helps facilitate the grieving process.
3.) So many women go through this (1:4 women experience a miscarriage), so I’m FAR from being alone, yet the irony is, it still is one of the most lonely, isolating experiences. If you’ve experienced it too, it sucks, it’s not fair, but you are not alone. You are tough, and you are loved. Sometimes just some empathy or a “me too” is the invisible hug that helps us get through the day.
4.) Not everyone gets their “rainbow baby” and that may not be our story either. But someone may be where we are right now and need some encouragement or reassurance that they’re not alone. Waiting until that rainbow baby “hopefully” arrives to reveal us on the other side of the heartache would be ideal, but that will probably not happen, so we decided to risk being vulnerable as we walk through the tough, the valleys, and the indescribable heartbreak as we keep an open heart, navigate the messy middle, and still hope that good will come out of this, even if it’s not the “good” we originally hoped for, and even if we won’t ever understand it, this side of heaven.
5.) Just another reminder that we never know what other people are going through. Even through the smiles, highlight reels, and the peak mountain top moments, many times people are also battling their own version of hard. Be gentle and kind to others. We never may know their hidden battles, but we all have battles and hidden hells that few others know about.
6.) I prayed about it, and ultimately I felt led to share. I’ve seen how being vulnerable and sharing other “hard” areas in my life with others has helped them to heal, and our “hard” being a part of someone else’s survival guide, healing journey, and story is such an amazing thing to be a part of. Choosing to keep this hidden not only hurts me but also may not fulfill some purpose of our pain. We are meant to live in community and to support one another through the highs and lows, and many times our hardest trials become our best testimony. Even through suffering and pain, I know there is purpose and good that can come, so why should I get in the way of that? If our story brings even one person some comfort and strength in such an isolating time and reassurance that they are not alone, then our pain has served some purpose, and for that I am grateful.
In the end, 6 reasons is greater than 2, so here we go.
DISCLAIMER: Grief is complex. This is our story and how we have dealt with recurrent miscarriages, but everyone has different experiences and processes grief differently. I typed up my journal pages as I was in the valleys, processing our 3rd miscarriage, so it's not always pretty, but it's real and hopefully someone else going through loss will feel seen and not feel so alone by reading this.
PREVIOUS MISCARRIAGES:
This isn’t the first loss we’ve had, or even the second. It’s our third, and I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. We've learned there's not always a rainbow after every storm, but we held onto the hope that if we go through enough storms, eventually that rainbow will come.
Each loss seems to hit harder, and the older we get, the more impossible our dream seems. Your heart breaks in new and unimaginable ways each time. But somehow you get through. With God’s protection, grace, and love through his unwavering promises and the people he puts in your life, you push through, because really, you have no other choice. But you begin to see his hand at work in the big and small things.
Our first miscarriage was on vacation a year ago - you wouldn’t know through the happy smiles that there was intense pain hiding behind those smiles. It was an earlier miscarriage, but the pain felt as if I had known this baby my whole life. By God’s grace, I had a friend by my side who had been through much worse and helped me through it. Her pain was part of my healing and so many others too.
The next miscarriage was during the weeks leading up to the launch of my first children’s book. Again, not ideal timing, but we don’t have a say in these things, and there really is no ideal time to have a miscarriage. I felt like giving up on the books multiple times, but again, I pushed through. I had a meeting while my body was going through this agonizing process, and I remember not being able to focus on a single thing through that meeting and feeling so sad and so angry at God. But he sees us in our pain, loves us no matter how angry we are, and still finds ways to comfort us. Some friends and family dropped off the sweetest flowers, meals, cards, gifts, and miscarriage books and devotionals which are still on my nightstand today. It’s like God knew I’d be needing to revisit those again. This Loved Baby Devotional and Held: pregnancy loss book were so helpful in the days and months to come. The love I felt that day and week after will always be remembered.
EARLY WEEKS OF 3rd MISCARRIAGE / 5th PREGNANCY:
We took a few months to grieve and process. Then we became pregnant this spring with our 5th pregnancy. It was a constant internal battle to fight the anxiety that crept up daily and counter it with positive self talk to be grateful for this life, that my body was home to this baby for as long as possible, and God had a plan for my life and this baby, however long or short it was. I was thankful to have each day, but I also fought the urge to relive the unbearable pain my heart, brain, and body had faced twice before, so I did my best to bubble wrap my heart, yet knew whatever happened was out of my control.
I surprised my husband with the news through a last minute treasure hunt for him on Father’s Day, and I’ll never forget the tears of joy in his eyes.
That was a roller coaster itself as my initial blood test (3-4 days before my missed period, which normally pick up results early) came back negative, so I was surprised when I had the positive blood work the week after. A similar thing happened with my son's pregnancy and another pregnancy too.
Not knowing how long we had, we decided to celebrate each day we had with this baby and thank God for its life. Even though the fear, doubt, and anxiety tried to creep its way in daily from the memory of the other 2 miscarriages, we did our best to focus on gratitude and trust in God’s plan.
Every day we grew more attached, but we also knew the more in love with this new life we became, the bigger the hole in our hearts, and the more devastating it would be if something didn’t go as hoped. But we kept praying daily, hoping for the best, envisioning its future, and loving this baby as if we had known it our whole lives.
I tried to stay busy this summer to keep my mind from being visited from anxiety, but ultimately a week later, 1st trimester symptoms set in with its unrelenting exhaustion and not feeling so great. The extra progesterone I was taking added to the intense exhaustion and just getting out of bed each day felt like a huge accomplishment. My kids noticed I was exhausted. I normally never take naps except for 1-2x a year when I'm extremely sick, but with this pregnancy, anytime I sat down, I had to fight with all my might not to fall asleep. I put my plans for releasing my second book on hold to limit stress and just focus the tiny amount of energy I had on my kids. I did my best to soak in the fleeting, limited time I had with them before they started school and my daughter starting kindergarten.
Early on, you feel way more pregnant than you look. With the crazy bladder, sleep disturbances, morning sickness, and extreme exhaustion, it’s easy to feel like a walking scatterbrained, queasy zombie. As much as I wanted to tell people the good news that we were pregnant (and also to apologize and give a reason for my 0 energy levels and lack of making an effort in any aspect of life other than surviving the last few weeks), I also didn’t want to jinx it. I also knew that the more people that we would tell early on, the more I would have to tell about a miscarriage if that’s the unfortunate direction it would go, so at first I held back.
But then I also realized, if that is the way it goes, I’d also need support and friends to understand if I’m grieving and not feeling like myself, so we decided to celebrate each day of life that I was a mom and home to this baby and not hold back anymore. We slowly and carefully started to let others in on the joy and gift of life as we saw them. We thanked God daily for this blessing and put our trust in Him that he’s got this baby and me in his hands and will provide for us for however short or long our lives are. I released the need to control and the worry as best as I could and accepted and then intentionally transformed the thoughts from those of worry and anxiety to ones of gratitude and faith.
Our kids have been praying daily for a baby the past year, but started talking about a baby much more the last few months. We kept our parental family wishes and prayers to ourselves, but lately we were surrounded by family and friends’ new babies so we understood why they were so excited and wanted a new baby sibling of their own. We always told them, “You can pray for what you’d like, but ultimately it’s in God’s hands and that may not be part of His plan. But we can enjoy and be thankful for other babies in our lives.” I’ll never forget when my husband was taking his turn to put my daughter down and her prayer still shocks me to this day, “Please God help mommy to realize she has a baby in her tummy and help it to be a girl.” She was right on the first part, but this time it was a baby boy.
Our daughter had more than schooled our son on how to hold and take care of a baby, and they practiced daily with her dolls. It was hard to be patient and hold back our big news and excitement that they would finally have a baby sibling of their own! We looked up creative ways to tell them the big news. We had plans to tell them either after our next appointment/ultrasound or in 2 more weeks at the 3 month mark. We were so excited to share this news and had a peace and hope that all would go well this time. I had a peace about everything and really felt this pregnancy was it. The answer to our many, many prayers. All went as well as it could, until it didn’t.
3rd MISCARRIAGE:
At our ultrasound appointment around 10 weeks, we saw our precious baby. Ignoring the “no phones” policy, my husband recorded the sonogram pictures to share the exciting news and heartbeat with our kids later.
But for some reason, I had this weird feeling in my stomach. I sensed the sonographer’s hesitation and felt something was off. As she was taking all the measurements and telling us how our baby measured on track, I kept telling myself, “Shouldn’t we be hearing a heartbeat or shouldn’t she be saying something about a heartbeat? Maybe I’m overthinking this. Just let her do her job.” But then the inevitable came. I’ll never forget her gut wrenching words as they hit hard. “I’m not finding a heartbeat…”
From immense hope and joy to shock to intense heartbreak and pain, our hearts, minds, and souls experienced an unexpected whiplash like none other. Tears flooded our eyes as our minds tried to comprehend the unexpected, devastating news.
After reviewing my medical history, risk for hemorrhage, and likelihood for not naturally miscarrying for another few weeks since I'd been taking progesterone, the doctor felt it best to schedule the D&C for the next day.
D&C:
That next morning was tough. I stayed in bed trying to avoid reality. The irrational part of my brain kept telling me this was just a nightmare and to go back to sleep and maybe I’d wake up, and it would somehow be all fine again.
We drove to drop off our kids at a dear friend’s house. We told our kids we had to go to the doctor, but we were fine, and there was nothing to worry about and we’d pick them up after lunch. And if my mom heart couldn’t take much more, out of the blue. our sweet son said a prayer, “Please help mommy to have a baby boy and baby girl so we can have one of each…” Nothing like the irony of precious yet crushing moments.
I walked into the women’s L&D part of the hospital with so many mixed emotions. The same place where I delivered my 2 other babies, but this time, the baby that would be delivered would already have its home in heaven. Though the ultimate goal is for all of us to be one day reunited in heaven, the idea that once again I wouldn’t be leaving with a baby in my arms and wouldn’t be able to meet this baby for probably years to come came with its own sense of haunting heaviness.
Rolling back to the OR came with a sombering and eery feeling that I couldn’t shake. The medicine hadn’t kicked in yet and the sight of the OR and the glimpse of the “human specimen” box the travel nurse unthinkingly placed at the end of my bed was more than my mind could take. Once again I couldn’t control the tears as I couldn't take my eyes off the dreaded box. It felt like I was living a nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from but still wasn’t sure this was actually happening. Part of it didn’t feel real. I kept repeating my grandma’s wise words as they echoed in my head, “This too shall pass.” I imagined my grandma and grandpa holding my 3 babies in heaven and it brought me the comfort I needed to push through.
And by God's grace, I made it through. We find out we are much stronger than we think we are when we have no other choice but to be strong. This time I didn’t get to be wheeled out smiling with a mix of indescribable joy and utter exhaustion with my newborn in my arms, which stung deep. A sweet friend, who has been through this too, gave me this picture to meditate on during the stinging moments: Imagine our babies being held in the arms of Jesus and that His face is the first face they ever saw... now that's an incredible thought.
We are also thankful for a priest who collects the deceased babies and has a special mass dedicated to them. That mass was a sad yet beautiful part of the healing process.
RAW, UNFILTERED THOUGHTS:
I didn’t choose this and wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I am choosing how I react to it. I choose to let myself grieve, feel all the feelings, and have grace during this journey, but ultimately I will choose “better” over “bitter”. But for right now, I will also let myself grieve how I need to grieve, including allowing myself to feel all the unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings and to accept the raw, unfiltered and not-so-pretty thoughts.
As my friend says, there’s no hiding a 3rd baby (or 5th pregnancy), and I popped right at 2 months. The bump doesn't just go away after a miscarriage, even though your body is no longer home to your baby. Looking at my bump the weeks after had a different feeling. I found myself instinctively, subconsciously placing my hand gently on my bump, only to be painfully reminded that my baby was no longer there. It’s like your body wants to hold onto the memory of your baby just like our hearts and minds do...
Baby wrecks havoc on your body, your sleep (hello 5-7x per night wake ups starting at week 5.5 thanks to my acorn size bladder and weak pelvic floor, prepping us for the newborn nights with minimal sleep), your GI system, your hormones/mood, your face, your energy, your overall feeling of wellbeing, etc. Each baby literally challenges you and changes you, and each time you lose a little more of yourself but grow into an even better mom.
But you push through as you know a baby is one of God’s greatest gifts and worth all the difficult days as the sacrifices, little sleep, and hard days pale in comparison to the minute you get to hold that sweet miracle in your arms. You hold onto that hope and push through the difficult days, weeks, and months. But it’s hard going through the challenges of first trimester, let alone multiple times at that, only to get to the same heartbreaking result and empty arms in the end.
Waking up each morning was hard as a sense of sadness would overwhelm me as my brain remembered I was no longer pregnant and our baby was no longer with me.
For the next few weeks, I waffled through the denial, anger, and sadness stages of grief. Expected and unexpected triggers could throw me into the pain of reliving it and just the sight of a baby bump was the reminder of our loss and unfulfilled dreams. Having little kids that needed me was another a source of joy and comfort but also a roadblock in letting myself go through the stages of grief in a timely way. When I felt the emotional waves coming, I’d try to sneak away quickly to try and stifle them in order to hold it together for my kids. I would tell myself I’ll revisit this later, but many times the waves would crash even harder and in places and times that felt so out of control.
Just like the other miscarriages, all of the intrusive thoughts tried to flood my mind…
Did I take too hot of a shower?
Was it that walk in 95°?
Was a half-caff latte each morning too much caffeine even though it was well under the recommended level, and I needed it to function and take care of my other kids that also needed me?
Did some product I use contain some harmful ingredient that I somehow missed?
Did I somehow contract listeria from some unwashed fruit?
If we would have caught that very large SCH with an earlier US, would there be a different result?
Etc., etc., etc.
No matter how wacky, illogical, or ridiculous the questions were, they still popped into my brain daily, and I felt at fault. We can go on and on but in the end, it will never give us the answers we are searching for. We have to hold onto the truth that the doctor said there was nothing we did or didn’t do to cause this, and it was out of our control. The thing that we cling to and that gives us peace is that God already knew this would happen, and He already knew how many days this baby and every person would have on earth. All of our days are numbered. Suffering is part of life on this earth, but He can still work good out of it.
I’ve been through a lot of loss and difficult hardships over the years, so grief is not a new experience for me. I kept thinking, I should be a pro at this by now, but each loss and hardship shatters your heart in new and unexpected ways. I’ve learned early on, “It’s ok to not be ok.” Each loss has its own timetable and no matter how badly you want to move on and feel “ok” again, you just can’t rush or force the process. It’s a personal journey, but if you keep an open and compassionate heart during the rain and storms, you will once again feel and see sunshine on the other side.
Randomly, I came across a few songs by Leanna Crawford, and I felt like her songs called out to my pain in a raw and real way. One of my favorites is "Psalm 23 Still Waters" along with "Honest" (link below). I think I listened to her "Honest" song on repeat for weeks.
ENCOURAGEMENT:
One of my favorite quotes has always been,
"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.”
I truly believe suffering can make a person more beautiful and gives them an understanding, connection, compassion, and empathy for others that can’t be created otherwise. There's a unique depth to their character, maturity, genuine compassion for others, and light that shines from within that can't be manufactured without experiencing intense hardships and loss. Some of the kindest, most beautiful souls I know have been through the hardest battles, and I’m so lucky to call these people dear friends.
I read the story of Lazarus again (John 11) and how Mary so desperately called out to Jesus in her time of need to help her very sick brother Lazarus. She felt like Jesus had forgotten her, and I could relate. 4 days after Lazarus passed away and was in the tomb, Jesus came. Mary was sad, angry, and frustrated with Jesus and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Seeing Mary and Martha weeping and grieving, Jesus also grieved and wept. But Jesus knew that by him coming later, (and on His timing, not their own) he could do an even greater miracle by bringing Lazarus back from death, and more people would come to know the Lord. He allowed the pain and suffering for God’s ultimate glory. This story was encouraging to me. Our story is only a tiny fraction of God’s much bigger picture and plan, and we may not ever know how our suffering fits into his bigger picture, but I assure you that God can bring good out of all things to those who love Him.
Romans 8:28
Another favorite Leanna Crawford song I came across was "Both Sides". Another tear jerker and song on repeat in our home.
POST MISCARRIAGE:
At home, I tried my best to hold it together for my kids so they wouldn’t be upset or sense something was constantly wrong, but even through hiding my tears, my sensitive and empathetic daughter kept picking up on the cues. I explained that in life we all have to go through tough things, and this was one of those things for me. I told her I would explain it to her later when she’s older, but for now, I would get through, and she didn’t have to worry about mommy because God made me extra tough, I’m leaning into Him, and He is helping me through. I’ve been through MANY hard things before, and he’s never failed me. She follows that with the biggest hug and “I love you so so much Mommy”. Her hugs are so good for the soul.
Even through the unbearable, there are still glimpses of God’s protection if we are willing to look for them. They originally suggested an ultrasound a few days before, but if we would have had that appointment, baby probably would have still had a heartbeat and we would have thought we made it through 1st trimester because of the progesterone I was taking, as it can hold onto the baby for a few more weeks after baby's heartbeat stops, and we would have likely had a delayed natural miscarriage a few weeks later. This meant we would have shared the exciting pregnancy news with our kids, family and friends on the east coast as well as back in Nebraska when I was visiting that next week only to miscarry a few weeks later, even possibly on the plane flying back solo with the kids. If you’re on progesterone (and even if not sometimes), it can be common for your body to hold onto the baby even weeks after it has made its way to heaven, almost like it knows you aren’t ready to say goodbye yet. Bringing more loved ones into the emotional highs with pregnancy announcements, only to be followed by the intense lows is something I’m very thankful I didn’t have to put many others through.
GRIEVING & THE MESSY MIDDLE:
The grief with each miscarriage has had some similarities, but each also carries its own unique grief story. With our last miscarriage, I cried at least once a day for 2 months. It's now been around 3 months since our 3rd miscarriage and I still have triggers that set me off that reopen the wounds of my heartache, with a longing that feels like it was yesterday. Tears still make their way to my face when I least expect it. But no matter how tough the day, I've learned that joy can still exist amidst the pain.
Again, I wish I could share our story with us on the other side, at our mountain top moment, but I feel like sometimes we need to invite others into our hidden struggles and sit with us as we navigate the messy middle and learn more about ourselves in the process. We all love a good story filled with hope and a happy ending, but sometimes sharing our struggles when we are in the valleys is exactly what someone else needs to hear to know they too are not alone. I wish I would have had someone sharing their messy middle with me when we were in the valleys, so praying I can be that for someone else.
I remember going to church a couple weeks after our 3rd miscarriage, still with a shattered heart, and feeling both indescribable sadness and heartache but also God's surreal, comforting presence. The irony of being able to feel both of these conflicting feelings at the same time overwhelmed my brain and soul. I remember silently crying the whole service and seeing tears continually fall from my husband's eyes. The tears then flooded my face during worship and I thought, "This is a glimpse of what it means to worship in and through the valleys. Though we're heartbroken and don't understand your purpose in this yet or ever, we'll choose to show up and worship you anyway. You are still good, even in the hard."
If I'm being honest, this 3rd miscarriage has hit so much harder for us as it seems like the end of a dream. We are beyond thankful for our 2 children, but we always envisioned a bigger family and were hoping that God would answer our family's prayers with a finale baby. We focus on our 2 beautiful blessings, but that doesn't take away the pain from the loss of each other baby.
We hoped with our finale baby, that we could soak in all those "lasts" and take it all in with a new perspective, now that we weren't purely in survival mode. Being a first time mom with my daughter, I was so worried about doing everything right, I found it difficult to take it all in. Being sleep-deprived and dealing with other challenges, I felt robbed from a lot of her special moments, which I know can be common for new moms. With my son (my second child), I thought, "I'll do much better," which worked for a little while, but both kids slept in 1-2 hour stretches at max for most of their first year and the new challenges of 2 under 2 kept us in survival mode, so needless to say, I was exhausted and felt the baby months flew by without much memory besides the pictures I took, (which I'm so thankful for those at least). Along with that, my son's medical issues the last 3 years consumed so much of our time and energy, it was hard to be present and take it all in. We always thought, we'll have one last baby to really soak in all the "lasts" now that we have a better perspective. Being older parents with a not-so-amazing track record the last 3 pregnancies, the hope just isn't there anymore.
We've had genetic testing, more blood work and tests than I'd care to admit, and still no answers. Sometimes I wonder if God is protecting us from something bigger too. TMI, but I have a history of post-delivery hemorrhaging, so we always prayed too that if for some reason there would be complications, that we wouldn't have to get to that point as it has always been a fear and valid concern after going through a few not so smooth deliveries, and now I have 2 amazing kiddos that also need me. I can't imagine not being there for them. Our brains can ask all the million questions and come up with all the possible reasons, but the truth is, we'll never have the answers this side of heaven.
We are currently unsure of which way to go since age and health risks are factors, and we are still grieving from our previous losses. We are soaking in the time with our littles as we've seen how quickly time is flying by and don't want to miss out on any other memories with them. We've considered and are exploring the adoption path too but are just praying daily for a clear direction, peace, and to trust God in the interim. I don't know how our story will turn out, but I do know that we have a God that walks alongside of us to carry our burdens and carry us through. Love this quote I found on the ShePodcast.
Our babies were a big part of us and our future dreams. I'm not sure I'll ever feel completely whole again as some of our important pieces are missing, and our hearts have been forever changed. But the truth is, we've always been broken, and God has allowed these babies to change us for the better. We see life differently, and are somehow both tougher yet softer because of it. It also brings me comfort knowing that these babies are in heaven, waiting for us to all be together where we will once be completely renewed and whole again one day with Jesus.
Even though we feel the weight of the biological clock ticking, we aren't rushing the process as we are trying to be patient in the waiting until we feel led in a strong direction. And in the interim, if our eyes and hearts are open, there are tons of hidden miracles along the way, and each day is sprinkled with joy and blessings, even amidst the pain.
HIDDEN BLESSINGS:
After we had initially received the devastating news, I was also desperate so asked God to provide some blessings or bring comfort. Sounds silly to some, but I wasn’t ready to go home yet and face our kids and our babysitter (who's become like family to us and I knew would be sad and crying too). Grief looks different for everyone and in that moment after crying for 2 hours so hard my head was throbbing, I needed a distraction to rest my weary brain for even a few minutes. I told my husband, "Let’s make quick stop at the used bookstore on our way home," as our daughter had been asking for some vintage American Girl doll books, and I wanted to surprise her with some if possible. Well not only did we find the 7 we were missing from her collection, but they were $1.65 each, much better than eBay prices! I’ll take the wins. Our girl was beyond thrilled and this special 1:1 time with her reading works wonders on both of our hearts.
I also spotted my favorite book series as a kid, The Babysitters Club, which gave me a nostalgic, comforting feeling of home and a faint hint of joy, thinking back to the days when times were simple.
The next blessing came a few hours later. Our son had just learned to ride his bike the night before (the same day we found out about our loss which was a hidden blessing and joy even on an unbearably tough day) and had a new surge of confidence he needed. We had many health struggles with him for about 3 years, and most people don’t know this, but we had scares of cerebral palsy or another neurological disorder for about a year based on past symptoms and setbacks. They ruled it out thankfully, but we worked with PT, OT, Speech, and feeding therapies and had countless specialist appts and procedures and 5-7 appts per week for a couple of years, so to see how far he has come with any milestone makes us appreciate his life and God’s provision that much more.
Previously our son was more than cautious with the pool and wouldn’t even get any part of his face or head slightly wet without a massive meltdown. We had made very minimal progress with swimming lessons the last 2 years. All of a sudden with newfound confidence, he started putting his head under the water and swimming! We had been praying for this as water safety was a major concern for us, so this was a huge win to watch him take control and actively choose to put his head under to show us his tricks and learn how to swim for once instead of crying and running from his swim teachers. Watching him so proud of his newfound skill and ability was exactly what my mama heart needed and reminded me, all in God’s timing. He’s got this.
The day after our D&C, the sweetest friends came over to make us an amazing dinner. They selflessly served our broken hearts and made the most delicious filets, parmesan gnocchi, broccolini, cinnamon sourdough bread, and dessert! That in itself was a huge blessing to not think about dinner and to have friends sit with us through the tears and still be able to find joy and laughter even during one of the hardest days. I'll treasure this memory for a lifetime and want to pass this blessing on to someone else some day.
After dinner we let the kids play outside and to our surprise, we had the most amazing double rainbow that filled the sky. I've honestly never seen anything like it, and pictures don't even do it justice.
This rainbow signified to us that God would keep his promise of guiding and protecting us. Even though we don't know what that looks like, it was a heartfelt reminder that He is always with us, even during our darkest days.
Flowers have always been special to me as I've had different flowers unexpectedly bloom on the death or anniversary of loved ones passing away, and we had our first magnolia flower bloom on the day of our miscarriage too. To me it's a sweet reminder of their love, hope, and life on the other side.
A huge blessing to me was a friend and neighbor who had unfortunately been through even more miscarriages helped me to navigate this tricky and difficult time and answer so many questions for me. She was truly a Godsend for me. This isolating time seemed much less lonely thanks to her openness, love, and friendship. She and another sweet friend and neighbor put this amazing basket together and dropped off some our favorite food, and it lifted our spirits all week.
Having friends and family come alongside us yet again to go through this for a 3rd time makes me so thankful for such a loving, caring, and dependable community, for which I’ll forever be thankful for. When your church community group prays over you and are just as emotional as we were, you know this group of people are beyond special and such a blessing to live life with. The outpouring of love from amazing friends and family, the calls/texts, meals, cards, flowers, gifts, watching our kiddos, and just being there for us and sitting with us in the valleys will forever leave a lasting impression on our hearts. Thank you to each of you and your kind, caring, generous hearts.
This book, Grieving the Child I Never Knew, is full of touching, short reads, and I still find myself reading exactly what I need to read to help my healing heart.
Before I experienced grief from loved ones passing away and our miscarriages, I was unsure of what to say to others experiencing loss. But being on the other side, I've learned this lesson is so true:
SILVER LINING:
Going through these 3 miscarriages has made us appreciate the special moments with our kids even more than we did before. Looking at their eyelashes, their tiny hands, hearing their sweet voices, and feeling their heartbeat and the warmth of their hugs makes me in awe of how all their tiny details were perfectly woven together inside my womb. The idea that God allows our bodies to create a tiny human with a heart, brain, and all the amazing body parts makes me in awe of creation. Their creations and births are truly miracles and witnessing their child-like faith and unconditional love is humbling to say the least. Soaking in each of their comforting hugs was exactly what my broken heart needed. If you have littles, squeeze those sweet ones and soak in their love. Life is truly a miracle.
I don’t know what our future holds as I’m an older mom to begin with and not sure I want to put myself through the possibility of this agonizing heartbreak again. That part is what made this miscarriage so hard, feeling like this was an end of a dream for our family, and this was our last chance. Even though I still feel like most of our hope for a larger earthly family has left us, I remind myself of the incomparable hope in heaven and that we will all be together one day, as a family of 7.
Our daughter still prays daily for a baby, and it’s equally precious and crushing at the same time. We are looking into the adoption journey again too, but for now, we’re just taking it one day at a time, praying for peace, strength, and direction, and trying to trust in God’s ultimate, sovereign plan. Ultimately, He's the author of our story, so I'll be patient as He writes. No matter how tough the trials we face though, we know He will always be by our side, carry us through, and He will never fail us.
We aren’t on the other side yet, and may never be in that sense, but we have been able to start seeing the positives that my friend prayed over us:
We found we are stronger than we thought possible. Even though it wasn’t by choice or in our own power.
Our faith in God continues to grow deeper, although it wasn’t immediate.
Our marriage strengthened as we leaned into each other and God through yet another valley. But navigating the valleys together has strengthened, deepened, and solidified our marriage to a new level and also makes us appreciate the mountain top moments, when they do come, even more.
I’m having more peace with this hard part of our story, knowing God can bring good and purpose out of the pain.
There are still days where my heart aches like it did that first week, as I grieve the babies we never met and the unfulfilled dreams of our hearts. But with time, each day has gotten easier, our burdens less heavy, and joy resurfaces more often in our hearts, and for that I am thankful. I've learned that life can be both hard and beautiful, as a sweet friend reminded me.
This was part of an amazing care package filled with the most thoughtful goodies from a dear friend and each time I use it, I remind myself of the good all around me and the hope that even more good things are coming, even if not in the way we originally hoped.
Thank you for reading our story and for your prayers for strength, wisdom, peace, direction, and comfort. Your prayers, messages and phone calls, cards, gifts, and watching our kids to give us some time to process also helps heal our hearts. It's such a testament to God and the amazing community he has surrounded us with that during our hardest, and saddest days, they are also the times we have felt the most loved. We appreciate each of you, both near and far, who’s been there for us and will forever be grateful for you.
If you are going through anything hard, please know you are so loved, you’re a fighter, I’m here for you and always here to listen, and you too will get through this. ❤️
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